Fat boy slim

Hey guys, sorry that I kept you waiting for more of my stories. Some of you might be thinking that my blogging was just a one time mania, but let me assure you that it's not. I might not be very regular with the posts because you know, I've other things to do as well. Anyway, this post is a tribute to all those fat losers who are disgusted with their big corpulent bellies and humongous fat asses.

Some Fatass: "Who in the god's name are you to write about this?"
I: "Sorry to say, but I am one those who had been afflicted by this malicious and evil form of life. My innocence and obliviousness plumped me out. No more questions, only the story of my this part of life with continue."

Ok, this story starts from 2004, the point when I was about to enter college after 12th. Back then, I weighed around 67Kgs, rather underweight for my height. I was slim or maybe good looking (which I still am) & used to girls (none of them were pretty though) making passes at me. I was never worried & it didn't even come in the darkest of my dreams what was about to happen in the upcoming 4-5 months.

When I watched the movie Dhoom (Yeah, back then my movie taste sucked too), I was bedazzled by the attitude and style shown by actor John Abraham. I started daydreaming and pictured myself just like him. I mean, just face removed by mine and everything else the same. Well, don't judge me on this. None of us had a concept of actors/movies back then, and some of you still don't have it. We were in the state of oblivious where we would've appreaciated even Himesh Reshamiya. Anyway, after the movie, my frequency of going to the washroom increased tremendously (Don't get any wrong ideas, I am straight) because I couldn't live without watching myself in the mirror after every hour or so. I even bought a poster of John Abraham and stuck it up to the walls of my room. Three of my friends shared the same dreams, but unfortunately all of them looked like different arrangements of dried out bamboos in human's anatomical structure, but with a soul in it. It looked pretty easy for me to reach that goal. And so, I thought of building up some muscles by working out.

I had read somewhere that for building muslces up we have to eat a lot. Didn't read enough to find out what to eat. Mess @ IIT Bombay is good; you get to eat 4 times a day. My eating habit changed completely.

For breakfast: "Dude bread doesn't taste good, let's put some butter in it."
At Luncheon: "Dude, roti doesn't taste good, let's put some ghee in it".
At Snacks: "Dude, samosa doesn't taste good, let's put some butter on it."
At Dinner: "Dude, today's dinner sucks. I am going to canteen. Uncle, mera 2 cheese paratha."
At 12 a.m. "Dude, you feeling hungry? Let's go to canteen. Boss, mera 1 cheese maggi".
At 4 a.m. "Dude, up for maddu mess? Boss, mera 3 egg dosa."

And again breakfast @ 8:30. For the first 15 days I thought I was cruising.

One day, I tried to put on an old jeans, it was rather tight. Well, without much thought, I was happy: "I think doing the squats has paid out". That time I didn't really understand that It was I who was paying all out. After a month or so, I started too see that 2 of my friends were showing signs of workout, but the third one looked like more water has been sucked out of him. Anyway, I was happy with my performance too, since, my shirts and pants were getting tight day by day.
After 2 months, I started to feel that my clothes were getting so tight, that I even had problems in crouching down with my pants on. One day, one of my friends pointed out:

friend:"Oye Badal, you look big"
me: "Jeez, thanks dude"
friend: "No no, you really look big"
me: "Hmmm, gymming pays off"
friend: Thinking in his mind "?????????????????????"

After a few more days, I was getting ready for my morning class. I tried very hard to pull the pants on. Now the pants were so tight that they were kind of hurting my balls. I went into washroom to check out what was going on. I turned sideways to tuck my shirt in, and all of a sudden I caught a glimpse of my ass.

My first reaction: " What the f***? What the hell is going on".

I moved away a little bit to take a good look at it. My ass was protruding out like a whole sweater was stuffed between my pants and my ass. To be precise, it shaped like the curve a parabolic curve x=y² : y[-2,2]. I took my shirt off for more disappointment.

My second reaction: "Ye kya hai?"

Two tyre shaped bulges were coming out of both the sides of my waist. My mind went completely numb and body paralyzed for few minutes after seeing that horrible sight. I looked more like Himesh Reshamiya. I couldn't understand how and why it happened? The whole day I couldn't concentrate on anything. I spoke to my friend about this and he said "Well, I was trying to tell you about this that day, but you didn't understand what I actually meant". Suddenly everyone started noticing about my big ass. One of my friends (who looks mentally handicapped) even started calling me by the name Bedhole. I was so depressed with this that I stopped working out but didn't reduce my diet.

One day again, my friends and I went out for buying some new jeans' and stuff. When we entered a shop and were looking around, the shopkeeper came and said:

Shopkeeper: "Which waist size are you looking for sir?"
me: "2 months ago I checked it was 32"
Shopkeeper: "No problem, we will measure it again. It is 34 sir"
me (Little embarassed): "Ok show us some jeans"

Shopkeeper took out a jeans and gave it to me. I checked the waist size:

me: "Boss, ye to 36 hai"
Shopkeeper: "To kya hua sir? In two months you reached 34 from 32, within a month you will be there at 36. So why not invest in future?"
Friends: "hahahahaha"
me: "O bhen ki"

I was so heartbroken that I went to a weighing machine to check my weight. I came out to be 83Kgs. God damn it, in four months I had increased from 67 Kgsto 83Kgs. I was so embarassed that I took an oath that for the sem-break, I will go home and jog till I am back at 74Kgs. At home:

Me: "Mummaaa, kal hi to samose banaye the. Aaj kuch meetha, Moong ka halwa?"

A problem

This one is a rather short post. It is not a story, but a part of my personality. I would like to share how I percieve certain things.

I am single, have always been single, and the future doesn't look shiny at all. I don't know what approach people use & eventually get involved in a relation or something. No one taught me anything or maybe no one can. I follow a very weird and unusual approach when I like someone. It doesn't work if you aren't good looking :P. My approach is - Attitude. Girls like it when someone can't stop looking at them. Maybe it just makes them feel special. I just follow the exact opposite of this. No matter how good looking a girl is, I don't give a penny's attention. Infact I don't even look at them, even if she is sitting right next to me. I don't know why, but chicks dig it. It has always been them who have approached me. Infact I have been asked several times for my phone no. :D. But, the problem is, I just don't know when to stop. I take it upto the level when they start thinking that maybe I am not interested. Eventually, they move on. :( :( :( :(

If you guys think that there would be something which you can teach me about this problem, then you are cordially invited. But please don't come up with cliche's like "Badal, just be yourself" or "There is no approach, it comes narutally".

Regards,
Badal

Hey guys, this is for the first time I am writing a blog. Practically, I've no idea what blogging is all about, but I've heard its something about sharing your views with those who are interested. I am not a very persuasive writer, so don't expect too much out of this post. I had been thinking for a long time to share my first job interview experience with outer world, and so, here it is.

It all started in the month of Dec. 2007, as our placement season was on the brink of commencement. Me and most of my friends, in fact, all of the people appearing for placements had a dream (with all "confidence" of success) of getting placed with companies like Opera, BCG and top level investment banks. Yet, a dark feeling was staggering around somehwhere in the corner of our heads that we might end up being placed in companies like INFOSYS and TCS, or in a worst case scenario, kicked hard on the ass with a tag of 'no placement'. I was the special victim of this fear; want to know why?

In my 4 years @ IIT, all I did was sit, relax and live in the fear of getting the almighty FR (fail and repeat) grade. I was good at mathematics, but eversince they taught us epsilon-delta, I barely passed all my MA courses with a DD grade. The time when everyone was busy in building their CPI, I used to think of ways to reduce my small flourishing belly. Staying @ IIT in sem breaks was a sin for me. People used to stay and do something productive like project, training etc. for framing their resumes, and I used to relax and watch my ass go bigger everyday at my home. All I learnt in 4 years was equivalent to a lump of dogshit. All I had to write in my resume was my BTP and a fake, yet very challenging internship.

Now the day had come, my placement season kicked off with a series of tests for clearing the fungus who thinks that they will definitely crack this company. Above all, my pride, out of no where, was on its extreme and made me decide not to cheat in the tests. Who would've guessed that a bunch of 4 pointers with mutual support got shortlisted everytime and made us wait for longer period. All those people in whom I had full confidence that they will be placed after me, got placed on the very first day. A friend (Aman Pruthi) and I were so enjoying this scene that we often burnt the self-made effigies of those companies who didn't shortlist us (Believe me, 80% of the those companies are bankrupt now). Almost a week had passed and all of my friends had been interviewed by atleast 4-5 companies, on the other end, the count of my interview experience was still zero. The day Pruthi got placed was the biggest psychic trauma for me, as, I was the only person in our group remaining. Anyway, I was extremely patient about this or else it would've been disastrous for my "upcoming" interviews. Finally the day came. I wasn't really game for IT companies but the 'no-job' tag was haunting me, and so I sat for TIBCO's test. Even though my hands on experience in coding was zero, I had the 3rd highest marks in the test. Now don't start judging me, I didn't cheat and don't call it a fluke either because I put a lot of thoughts before marking the objective choices. For the first time I was shortlisted for an interview, and now was my chance to prove myself.

My TIBCO session started with a Group Discussion. I sucked at GD, but fortunately my group sucked more than me and add to that, the GD examiner was the biggest sucker of all. We all farted for a very long time on the very same point which was initiated by the examiner. I don't know why, but he was agreeeing and nodding with my farts like I am George Bush or something. The whole group was able to clear the GD. Now came the most interesting and thrilling part. my personal interview.

My first round of interview was with a very young man, who looked quite like a real interviewer, but he wasn't. With a scary face he asked me a puzzle. Though it was really a difficult one, I solved the 75% of the problem very fast without touching a pen or paper not only because I am intelligent, but I had solved a very similar problem recently. Being a good actor, I acted like I encountered the problem for the first time and almost reached the solution. Dude, I could say from the look at his face; He was impressed. Then he asked me a guesstimate about no. of Gas stations in U.S. What an easy question? Anyone who has done a guesstimate before would've been able to solve this one. He thought I am really good. Now he was more politer. Luckily, the legendary question which is feared the most in every interview was struck directly at my face; Why do you want to join our company?. To be frank, I didn't have the answer prepared for this, but I had a hunch that whatever phrase I am going to concoct, it would be more than better to please him. I said "Sir, whatever coding language I learnt in my 1st year is the only exposure I've got in terms of CS. Even though I was interested, I didn't get much chance to work on my C++ skills, since you know that Mechanical Engineering is not much relevant. But I would be more than happy to startoff with it again if you give me a chance". I even sounded credible to myself. He liked what I said and he tried to test whether I am lying or not. He asked me to write 3 codes in C++, and forunately enough I did them without any problem. Now came my resume part. I had prepared for my resume very strongly and I was very confident now. He asked my about my B. Tech. project (Nonlinear vibrations and chaos), which was obviously out of his imagination. I babbled out every single line which I had prepared and it proved quite a success. By the end of the interview he was sure that I am definitely going to make it.

Now came my second round. This guy was dark colored and it was clearly visible that he tried to color his hair all by himself. This guy was rather rough and a little bleak with no smile on his face. Half of the interview part went just like the previous one, but now he asked a tough C++ program. I was looking and thinking dumbly at the problem for 2 minutes. After a very long fight I solved it in 4 minutes. His facial expressions were saying that he wasn't pleased with the performance. Just when I was thinking that I am losing it, he slammed an another puzzle at my face. He said "you've a big round table and many small circular plates. If two people (1 & 2) are putting the plates on table one by one randomly till the table is full and maximum surface area is covered, and suppose person 1 started with first plate, who would be the last person to put the plate on the table, 1 or 2?" This was the hint when I thought I should run away because I didn't even understand the problem. Fortunately he went out of the room to eat his leftover pizza, I started thinking and drawing diagrams. Suddenly the solution struck up my head and I told him that I solved the problem. He was looking at me like I was bluffing. I said whoever started first would be the person to put the last table. He frowned for a while and then said "why?". Now I was back, I said "let me explain it to you with a simplified case. Suppose no. 1 starts with a plate in the center. To cover circumferencially the center plate they need 6 plates which is even number and obviously no. 2 would start this row and no. 1 would end with this row. Similarly, for this row they will need an even no. of plates to cover the 6 plates. And for the last circular row, since the no. of plates is even, no. 2 would start and no. 1 will end". Now he was deeply bedazzled by my elegant aura. I finally got that he himself didn't know that answer and was looking for one. Now all the black clouds circling around my luck were shining like they've just been polished with dabur laal dand manjan. Rest of the interview went smooth and he was convinced too.

Now comes the third round of interview. The old man was a real emotional cow. The old grandpa was so innocent that even if you slap him and insult him, he would undoubtedly hire you. He asked me a few questions about me and my family. My future plannings and all blatant questions. By the end of this interview I was sure that I am in. I asked him few simple questions about work culture and place of posting.

Now came my fourth interview. This guy had an amazingly fake british accent and on the top of that He looked like an ostrich talking in front of me. He asked me a few question on my resume which I again explained very beautifully. Then I added few comments by myself that "Sir, I've heard (didn't mention that heard it from the previous interviewer) about the culture @ TIBCO and it is exactly the same kind of working environment I want to work in". He was happy that I knew about their company and so he concluded that I must really be interested in joining them. He stood up and said I will discuss with my colleagues so please wait outside for a while. After a minute or two, I was called inside the interview room and offered a slice of chicken mexican red wave (cheese burst). They said "Congratulations, you are one of us now." I was so relieved that I shyly took one more slice and everyone started laughing and said "Don't be shy, you've earned it".